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Hi!, I started this blog quite selfishly and yet not. I had just become a new mum and I needed a space to air out my thoughts. I’ve neve...

Mar 10, 2017

Birthing experience for c-section.

I've read a lot about births as I was preparing for mine and it seems to me. That there is this assumption that c-section mums don't experience birth. That we just lie there peacefully as a baby is calmly taken out of our tummy and handed to us.
Well I can assure you that we certainly do experience the birth in our own individual way..
I was flooded with emotion after emotion.. All hitting hard and fast, my brain could hardly keep up.. From the moment I entered the operating theatre It went something like this:

An operation, anesthesia.. Epidural.. That huge needle in my spine.. Will baby be healthy..

My son, my son

She missed the vertebrate.. Needle again, must find calm in my soul to relax.. Must trick my brain into a quiet space

We did it! after puncturing my skin a few times.. I felt each push, the heat of the pain along my spine

I can't feel my legs, but I know they are there
I know they are being lifted, being moved. My lower half is being touched, being moved, without my consent.. I can't feel my legs

Anesthesia kicked in properly, lost total control of my emotions.
Trouble breathing
Doctors moving fast
My brain can't keep up
I try to apologize to Surgeons
I hear their machines beeping

Medication through the drip helps me restore my balance

They are struggling to get him out
They are worried about something and keep mentioning 'scar tissue'
They press.. I feel like a ton of bricks are placed on my chest
Something / someone is finally dislodged

I hear him cry
I cry through my Smile
Cannot speak
I am so full
He is here
I birthed him to life

He is lying on my heart
He is well, ten fingers ten toes

I miss my daughter terribly

Everything comes into focus
I can hear worry in their tone as they see me up
I follow my son with my eyes, they clean him, they weigh him
My husband, overwhelmed
Surgeons working working
Machines stable beep
I digest it all

Everything hurts
Anesthesia effect is wearing off

My core burns, turning hurts, laughing hurts, everything needs a little time to heal.

I am a mother of two beautiful children


Feb 6, 2017

This time around

As expected this pregnancy was nothing like the previous
Thankfully however that didn't come as a surprise
The more I learn about women's body the more I realize it is highly unpredictable and self sufficient
So I tried to roll with the punches and just follow my body's lead.
It was rough from the beginning
I was sick in a way that didn't feel normal
I was constantly drained and exhausted
Which I assume is normal as my body was basically creating a human.. But still I struggled mentally and emotionally the most,
It was very hard to accept my increasing limitations,
To accept that walking became a strenuous activity.. So did picking up my three year old or simply catching the train.

The inner me remained the same, moving at a 100miles an hour whilst my body creaked and groaned the entire time..

I feel, enormous guilt when my daughter walks in from daycare, she still asks: "Mummy are you fine???? , Mummy are you sick?"  
I was sick for so long she still feels the need to check..
It must have been so hard for her that I couldn't play,  hop, skip, cuddle in her bed with her for so many months..

I would literally wait eagerly for her to come home from daycare and fall asleep on the sofa as soon as we had eaten dinner. :(

I knew inside me that this pregnancy would also be a c-section somehow..
I felt that baby needed a hand coming out.

Turned out i was right by the way but doctors couldn't see that until they were mid operation..

But anyway, just in case I had worked on my fears and read lots of pregnancy hypnotherapy books.. Listened to podcasts and did my best to prepare for a vaginal birth.

For those who missed my previous posts just to remind you that I have quite the fear of hospitals which can result in panic attacks.. Not ideal situation for labor really.
So I was determined to be prepared..

Well everything went as planned in that nothing went as planned..
Baby refused to turn.. Just like his sister.. He was in breech position, sitting upright with his head beneath my heart.. 😊

A cesarean was planned but I had a feeling he needed to be out early so I called and they agreed to schedule us in a few days early.
And then the hospital called and asked if we could come in even earlier.. They basically gave us 24hours notice to come in and have the baby.

My fears were right there in the room with me with the midwives,  anesthesiologists, nurses and my husband..

I used all my brain power to not think of that huge needle that was being poked into my spine in search of the right nerve..
Once the epidural was in and I couldn't feel my lower half of my body and yet I could 'feel ' my body being moved and touched.. My brain started to panic again. I coached myself out of it.. that and I got some drugs to help me calm down again..

Everything vanishes the moment you hear that first cry..
I felt the tears roll down my cheek as I saw this little being that was finally here.

My Son

The doctors laid him in my chest as they continued to work and my brain focused in on baby.. My subconscious was listening to them talk without registering much.. Especially as they were speaking in swedish
(side note I speak Swedish but it's my 4th language so at that point my brain could barely remember my own full name) 😀

Will spare you the long details but seemingly despite identical procedures my body reacted totally differently than time around..

Last time I was in hospital for five days, barely able to move my body and in incredible pain..
This time I was out of bed the very next morning.. Walking around and discharged after 48 hours cooking New Year's dinner for family.. (a woman's body Ey! 😊)

I can't believe it is done.. Baby is now three weeks old already.. His name is Louis and his sister Ella is completely besotted and in love

I'm being more flexible this time around.Breastfeeding as much as I can but I don't hesitate to give him a bottle or two per day when I run out of milk. It reduces his and my stress tremendously..

We are back to colic,  being up all night,  'poo-namis' and gushing at little toes.. Basically we are in that crazy newborn phase again where. You can barely remember your name but you are functioning magnificently as a parent ☺️☺️☺️

I have received a lot of questions as to why I did not post about my pregnancy earlier.. The truth is it's partly cultural and also comes from my fear of jinx in it.

I know too much

I know too many mums who have tried for years unsuccessfully

Too many who have miscarried time and time again

I respect this miracle of childbirth too much and so till I hold baby in my arms I have equal parts of fear and  excitement in my heart ♥

Pregnancies with unhappy endings or even just mums who struggle to get pregnant are more common than we think.

Women are just such soldiers that we often keep it all to ourselves and just keep on moving forward…

I'm constantly in awe of womankind and so grateful to now bare the title of Mother of two.

Jan 24, 2017

The night before we became four 4⃣

I wrote this on the 28th December right after confirming with hospital that they wanted me to come in the next day to deliver our son.... I walked into my room,  sat down at the dresser, took that picture and let the words convey my emotions.. 

"Here we are the night before three becomes four. 
Thanks to another planned c section I know that by tomorrow I will hold you in my arms dear son, 
its been such mixed emotions knowing it is Ella's final day as our only child, knowing the 9 month wait is finally over, 

Unlike your sister, this pregnancy was all but easy... I've felt my energy and body strain and work hard , harder than before.. 

Unlike your sister I know your sex, I know how much I will worry and I know the unknown is yet to come. 

Gone is the confidence of that first pregnancy,
I have learnt well enough that I 
know NOTHING at all,  

Each of you, born with thier strength,  thier energy, 
thier life, 
And I cant wait to see what that will be, 

I can't wait to see what you look like, 
.. to love you so hard... even though I don't honestly know yet how my love will stretch to include another being.. 
And yet I know it will 
I remember when your sister was born feeling such fierce love surfacing that it scared me a little, 

I am totally ready for more! 

On this last night of ours,
I feel you sitting so close to my heart, refusing to turn or budge I want to remember, 
I want to document this wonderful feeling of loving you and having you all to myself for a few more hours, 
I love you my son
welcome to our family"