I've read a lot about births as I was preparing for mine and it seems to me. That there is this assumption that c-section mums don't experience birth. That we just lie there peacefully as a baby is calmly taken out of our tummy and handed to us.
Well I can assure you that we certainly do experience the birth in our own individual way..
I was flooded with emotion after emotion.. All hitting hard and fast, my brain could hardly keep up.. From the moment I entered the operating theatre It went something like this:
An operation, anesthesia.. Epidural.. That huge needle in my spine.. Will baby be healthy..
My son, my son
She missed the vertebrate.. Needle again, must find calm in my soul to relax.. Must trick my brain into a quiet space
We did it! after puncturing my skin a few times.. I felt each push, the heat of the pain along my spine
I can't feel my legs, but I know they are there
I know they are being lifted, being moved. My lower half is being touched, being moved, without my consent.. I can't feel my legs
Anesthesia kicked in properly, lost total control of my emotions.
Doctors moving fast
My brain can't keep up
I try to apologize to Surgeons
I hear their machines beeping
Medication through the drip helps me restore my balance
They are struggling to get him out
They are worried about something and keep mentioning 'scar tissue'
They press.. I feel like a ton of bricks are placed on my chest
Something / someone is finally dislodged
I hear him cry
I cry through my Smile
I am so full
He is here
I birthed him to life
He is lying on my heart
He is well, ten fingers ten toes
I miss my daughter terribly
Everything comes into focus
I can hear worry in their tone as they see me up
I follow my son with my eyes, they clean him, they weigh him
My husband, overwhelmed
Surgeons working working
Machines stable beep
I digest it all
Anesthesia effect is wearing off
My core burns, turning hurts, laughing hurts, everything needs a little time to heal.
I am a mother of two beautiful children